


The Softer Side of Unbearable

by Pineappleslapper



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ben didn't know, Established Reylo, F/M, I'm taking liberties with this force bond, Kriah is a spit fire, Post War, Reylo Baby, Where in the galaxy is Rey Solo?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2018-12-16 18:36:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11834628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pineappleslapper/pseuds/Pineappleslapper
Summary: He dreams of her most nights, often enough that he’s not sure if it’s really her face he sees or if his mind has altered her features. Sometimes he wonders if he would even recognize her if he were to see her.OrRey is missing and her daughter just showed up on Kylo Ren's doorstep looking for answers.





	1. Your Eyes, Like Hers

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first fanfiction ever. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.

He dreams of her most nights, often enough that he’s not sure if it’s really her face he sees or if his mind has altered her features. Sometimes he wonders if he would even recognize her if he were to see her. He only allows himself to think of her in the first burning moments of the morning, light slanting across his face from the open window of his room. On occasion, he feels her in the bed next to him. On those mornings, he doesn’t open his eyes until the light leaves his face.

It is one of those mornings, drowsy and soft, warmer than he deserves. He hasn’t felt her so strongly since he last held her. His eyes are closed as tightly as they can be, He can feel her hand on his chest, her head tucked against his neck. He thinks, perhaps, he can smell her. For the moment he knows peace, the light in him is satisfied. The ache left behind from her absence in their bond isn’t as biting.

“She’s coming.” He jolts up at the sound of her voice. It is the same voice he hears in his dreams. The same voice that acts as his conscience. He had heard it plain as day, as if she really had been in the bed with him. His heart is racing and his eyes flicker all around the drab room.

“Make her some jasmine tea. It’s her favorite too.” Her voice says again, right in his ear. He swears he can feel her breath against it.

“Let me see you.” He whimpers.

“I can’t.”

“We used to do this all the time. I know you can, Rey, please.” His voice is distraught. He hasn’t felt so desperate in years.

“It’s not the same. Be kind to her. I love you.” And then he can’t feel her anymore. His mind is running at full speed. He doesn’t realize he’s left the bed until he’s putting a kettle above a fresh fire, the scent of jasmine filling the air. He usually took his tea at sunset, but he’d never had a guest before. He’s not sure he’ll have a guest now. Perhaps he has gone mad and, at the very least, the tea will calm his nerves.

He just pouring tea into the only two cups he owns when he feels a bright angry presence. The way the force ripples around him reminds him of Rey. He had always felt similarly when she came to him. Like he was in the presence of pure energy, blindingly light. But this force signature is not Rey’s.

He can feel whoever it is approaching and he is curious. He takes a long sip and then a deep breath. He feels no fear. If this person is here to deliver his death, he has been waiting long enough for them. If not, and he assumes they aren’t, at least the tea won’t go to waste.  
He smiles to himself when the strong force sensitive knocks on his door instead of pushing through the flimsy wood. He pulls the door open with a quick thought, but makes no move from his seat by the fire.

He is surprised by how young the girl appears. She’s obviously no more than fifteen. Her face is so terribly youthful that he laughs, actually laughs, and her face contorts into pure rage.

“Kylo Ren?” She asks through clenched teeth. His amusement ebbs slightly at hearing the old moniker.

“That’s a name I haven’t heard in years.” He says thoughtfully, his mind drifting briefly to a story his Uncle told him about the man he was named after.

“So it is you?” She snarls and reaches for a saber he hadn’t noticed was clipped to her belt. He laughs once more when he recognizes it. After all these years, it is still his. He reaches for it and it flies to him easily.

“This,” he says matter-of-factly, “is mine.” And he recognizes this scene so acutely his chest aches. He looks at the girl, really looks at her. She is taller, even though she is younger, and her hair is a few shades darker. But this girl has Rey’s eyes, and once he realizes this all the pieces click. After all, it is his lips that have shaped her.

“Who are you?” He asks, his stomach suddenly in knots.

“Your deliverance.” The girl growls.

“Strong words for someone without a weapon.” He waves his grandfather’s saber at her, quirking an eyebrow. “But I was more so hoping for a name.” He could feel her frustration and fear. He nearly laughs again when she pulls a blaster from behind her back and quickly shoots off three bolts. He doesn’t even flinch as he freezes them, pays them no mind as he moves them into the fire. She flinches at the sound the bolts make as they’re eaten by the flames. “Girl you are way over your head, but I mean you no harm.” He sighs. “Please sit and tell me what exactly I did to deserve your wrath.”

She moves cautiously, never removing her eyes from his face as she sinks into the chair opposite him. He slowly hands her the other cup of tea, which surprisingly, she takes without complaint. He takes a long sip of his own, to show her it’s alright. He wants desperately to put her at ease. He has so many questions.

“You’re name, dear?” He asks again. She shoots him a glare, but takes a sip and then sighs.

“I am Kriah.” It’s a beautiful name and he knows instantly where Rey’s inspiration came from. He closes his eyes and a breath shakes through his nose. Their time on Naboo had been the greatest days of his life. The girl is named after the lake where he confessed his love. If there were any doubt of her parentage before, it is swept away. Somehow, he is her father. Somehow, Rey kept her hidden.

“And what am I being charged with?” His voice is thick and he itches to grab his saber and destroy half the forest. He hadn’t felt such a tumult of emotion since Snoke resided in his mind.

“You murdered my mother.” She says it with such vehemence that for an instant he feels guilt. He can hear the pain lancing her words. He has stared into the eyes of hundreds of family members of the people he’s killed. He has felt this guilt before, this is the first time it is misplaced.

“What is your mother’s name?” He asks just to be sure.

“Rey.” She says it so softly, so sadly. This poor girl. He feels her pain, it is his own.

“You are mistaken, sweet girl. I’ve known only one Rey, and she did not die from my hands.” He forces her to meet his eyes, tries to pour his honesty into his words. She doesn’t believe him. Her jaw clinches and her nostrils flare and he is struck by how closely she resembles his wife.

“You liar!” She snarls and tosses her cup at the wall. He hopes the wood doesn’t chip. He doesn’t have the patience to widdle a new one. “You took her from me and you will admit it, you . . . you monster!” She’s shaking and tears stream down her cheeks. The force ripples in the room and his furniture shakes. Her powers are raw and he can’t help but wonder if she’s had any training. There would’ve been no one to teach her.

“You look like her.” He says without really thinking. He doesn’t know what else to say. Comfort isn’t his strong suit, but he longs to comfort her. “You have her eyes and when she was angry she had the same look on her face. My little savage.” He chuckles remembering how fierce Rey’s temper was. It flared quickly, burned bright, and dissipated just as suddenly as it came. He loved her so much. “She saved me. I would’ve never hurt her again.”

“Then what happened? Who killed her?” She moved closer to him, sitting at the edge of her seat, her eyes wild. “If you didn’t take her from me, who did?”

“Who told you she was dead?”

“She didn’t come home. She promised she would come home. They say you were with her and she never came home. And I felt her. I could always feel her and then I couldn’t.” And, oh does he know how that feels.

“I can remember when I felt her signature disappear. The galaxy was darker without her there in the force, but she was still breathing and her heart was still beating. If I focus hard enough I can still feel her.” He tells her, watching confusion bubble in her expression. “Your mother isn’t dead, sweet girl, but she is lost.”

“What do you mean lost?” She’s dead. She has to be.” Her voice is soft, her eyes wide and teary. “I can’t feel her.”

“Nor can I, not right now. But sometimes in deep mediation I can almost grasp her. I can feel her and sometimes she comes to me when my mind is still blank from sleep. She’s as alive as you or I.” He grits his teeth and sets his cup down. “But he has her and I can’t find them.”

“Who?” She asks.

“My old master.”

“Snoke?” He’s surprised she knows the name and wonders who raised her.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“To punish me. I turned my back on him, thought that I could be free. I should’ve known better than to love your mother. She should’ve killed him when she had the chance. “He sighs and takes a deep breath. “We were so foolish.”

“You loved her?”

“I married her.” He looks at the silver band on his left hand, the representation of their union, and his heart swells. He hasn’t taken it off since he last saw her. He never plans to.

“She loved you?” She asks incredulously.

“I never truly believed it myself.” He says with a shrug.

“I don’t understand.” Kriah mutters. She cradles her head in her hands and sighs deeply.

“Kriah,” He says, his throat tight. He knows the gears are turning in her head, leading her to the conclusion he came to moments after seeing her. “I am the man they told you I was, I don’t deny the terrible things I’ve done. But I am better because I chose to be better. I live a life of repentance for those sins. I do my best to atone for them, and I know I never will, but she believed in me and she loved me.” She’s looking at him now. “I promised her on the day we wed that if she bore us any children that I would love them…”

“With every bit and piece of your soul and they would know love with every breath that they took.” She finished the vow he made beside her namesake. Tears stream freely down her cheeks. “You’re my father.”

“I didn’t know, I swear. I would’ve been there. I would’ve been there for you.” He’s talking through the lump in his throat. His voice raw with emotion.

“How could you not know?” Her voice is small, but full of accusation. It is the same voice he had the last time he spoke to his father just before joining Snoke.

“We were fighting a war. There were many times when I wouldn’t see her for months. Weeks where we had to block each other in our force bond. Parts of ourselves we couldn’t share because of my master. I believe she kept you hidden for your safety.” Her eyes narrow during his speech.

“My safety?” Her eyebrows quirk up. “Who is more safe than the most powerful force user alive?” I could’ve been training for years.” She grumbles the last part under her breath.

“Who have you been with all these years?” He says, ignoring her question. There will be time later to dish all that out. In this moment he has to know she was cared for. He has to know she was left somewhere better than a blazing desert under the oppressive thumb of junk boss.

“Finn and Poe for the last six, before that my grandmother.” His eyebrows shoot to his hair line and he’s suddenly weary.

“Leia Organa?” He asks.

“Yes. She wasn’t really my grandma, but I always called her that. She had the force too.” She pauses and takes in his haunted face. “How’d you know it was her?”

“Was she good to you?” His voice quivers and his face is so vulnerable it makes her chest ache.

“The best. She taught me what she could and loved me to bits.” There’s a fondness in her eyes that he recognizes. He had loved Leia Organa too.

“And the trait- Finn and Pow? We’re they good to you as well?”

“I wanted for nothing, but my parents and a teacher.” She admits. “There was no shortage of kindness and love. But I always felt a bit out of place with them, like I was meant to be somewhere else.”

“But you were happy?” He asks.

“Yes, very.” She answers and he smiles and in that moment, she can see what her mother must have loved. She can see past the stories of Kylo Ren, the horror of his actions paling, just the, in the light of his eyes. “You say you no longer go by Kylo Ren, so what should I call you?”

“Ben.” He says. “I am Ben Solo.”


	2. Hurts the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kriah is experiencing information overload. Ben might just be alright at this dad thing.

Ben quirks an eyebrow when her face contorts into confusion. His expression mirrors her own when she darts for the door and he does something he hasn’t done in years; he reaches into her mind. He skims the surface, not wanting to cause her pain, and finds her thoughts scattered and rushing with all she learned since knocking on his door. She is hurt, he can feel that pointedly, but also shocked. The revelation of his birth name had been the final straw and her loudest though was that her life was a lie. He pulls away when Kriah stops, crumbling by the lake he fishes from. He gives her a few moments before following.

“It’s too much,” She says as he nears her. “Nothing makes sense anymore.” She’s staring down at her reflection in the murky water, it ripples every so often and he realizes she’s crying. His heart lurches and he aches to pull her into his arms. He refrains, she may be his, but she does not know him.

“There is a great deal you don’t know, sweet girl.” Ben says as he lowers himself to sit next to her. “I wasn’t much older than you when I found out my family was keeping a great big secret from me. I know the sting you feel right now. You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt and angry.” She looks over at him, cocks her head to the side, her eyes impossibly sad. “But you don’t have to be alone.” He nods and looks straight ahead, settling into the ground. They sit for a long time just staring at the water.

“I want to know everything.” She says after a while. “I’m so confused. I want to know how this all began. I want to know how she could love you.” He ignores how her words hurt him, reminding himself that she only knows the terrible things he did.

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know, but not here.” Ben says as he rises. He reaches a hand out for her and she takes it, allowing him to pull her to her feet. “I’ll make you lunch and you can ask me whatever you like.”

He leads her back to his house and she takes her seat. He retrieves the cup she tossed at the wall and is satisfied to see it’s not broken. He reheats the tea and refills the cup, handing it back to her before pulling out the ingredients for his favorite soup.

“Why jasmine tea?” She asks as she watches him move through his small kitchen area. He chops vegetables with the steady quickness of someone who’s done it a thousand times. She can’t reconcile the image she had made of Kylo Ren with this man. He’s too kind, too calm. Nothing like the vicious murderer the galaxy whispers about.

“It’s my favorite.”

“Mine too.”

“I know.” He smiles at her and dumps the assorted veggies into a pot. At the furrowing of her brows he adds, “Your mother and I share a force bond. The easiest way to explain is to say that our minds have connected through the force. We can share our thoughts and feeling. It’s almost like no matter the distance a piece of ourselves stay together. That’s how I know she’s alive and that’s how I knew about the tea.”

“And yet you didn’t know about me?” She cocks her head, it seems she does this whenever she’s considering something. He realizes she inherited this from him. This thought does something to his chest.

“There’s a way to block each other out, keep ahold of your secrets if you will. We only did that when it was necessary and considering we were on opposing sides of a war it was necessary a lot.” He confesses tossing chopped bantha meat into the mix. “When she came to me this morning she told me to make jasmine tea, but she didn’t tell me for who. I think she must avoid thinking of you to keep Snoke away.”

“So, you can see her?” Kriah asks between sips as he adds a broth to the soup and sets it over the fire.

“No, I can only feel her. She’s a phantom hand against my chest or a whisper in the air. Nothing corporeal, if we were in the same planetary system we could project our likeness. The distance between us now is too great.” He sighs and takes his seat.

“If you can feel her, why can’t you find her?”

“Snoke is very powerful, but even more so when he has a force sensitive to syphon power from. He can hide himself in the force and he took her with him. I spent six years scouring the galaxy looking for them and one day she told me to stop. She said I had to wait.” 

“For what?”

“I didn’t know until today, but I believe she wanted me to wait for you.”

_______________________________

Kriah remains quiet through their lunch. She slurps her soup and occasionally looks at him. He can practically hear her thoughts racing, though he doesn’t touch her mind. He knows she needs time to process and gather herself. He wants to share everything with her, clear all the misconceptions she has. At the same time, he has a million things he wants to ask her. He wants to know everything she’s been through. He’s known her a few scant hours and already he cares so much.

Finally, as he’s placing their dishes into his washing bin, she speaks, “Leia Organa was truly your mother?”

“Yes.” His voice cracks. After all these years, she is still his sorest spot and he never got a chance to tell her how sorry he was. “And I was her greatest disappointment.”

She cocks her head and surprises him by saying, “She talked about Ben Solo all the time. She said I reminded her of him, and she loved me. I always wondered what happened to him, but all she would say was that was a story for another time.”

Leia Organa had always been bad at time. When he was a child and had asked about Darth Vader she had said the same thing, but there was never another time. There was never enough time and once she realized that there was no time.

“Did she ever speak of Kylo Ren?” He asks, knowing his mother had thought of them as separate people.

“Only once. She called you a puppet for an evil man, just like Darth Vader had been. She said you found the light, but Poe and Finn said you killed my mom and you killed Ben Solo’s father. I always wondered why she could speak kindly of a man like Kylo Ren.” She says thoughtfully. “It’s because she loved you.”

His throat is suddenly very tight. He loved her too, he would love her until his last breath. He regrets every moment her denied that. “She was remarkable like that, that woman never knew when to give up. I wanted so much to have her conviction.” He muses eyes misty.

“She was my grandmother. My real flesh and blood.” Kriah says softly. The smile that blooms across her face is the loveliest thing he’s ever seen.  
_________________________________

They take a walk shortly after that. She still hasn’t asked about Rey and this surprises him. He has expected a flurry of questions regarding his wife and their relationship, and yet she is more concerned about him. He hasn’t talked so much about himself since Rey had decided she didn’t completely hate him.

“So once Snoke was gone…” She is leaning against a tree as he chops wood for their fire later, and she stops as if to gather her thoughts. “And he took her with him, what did you do?”

“I searched for them and I searched for my deliverance.” He says before giving a brutal swing to a hunk of wood. “And I failed her. I couldn’t find her and I know what he did to me, what he must be doing to her, and I was willing. Thinking about what he might be doing to her has been my constant torment for the last ten years.” Ben sighs and begins gathering the wood into a sack. “It should’ve been me.”

It’s quiet for a while as they walk back. Ben can tell she has more to ask, but he realizes he hasn’t fully answered her question. “Like I said earlier, I spent six years searching the galaxy, the last three I spent beyond the outer rim. I suspected he found a planet that could block the force. I read about such a place, where force sensitive lived before the Jedi or the Sith even existed. I never imagined it was real, until they were gone. We can talk more about that later; the point is that at the end of those years your mother came to me.” He laughs and shakes his head. “I thought she was dead at first because I could see her. She told me I couldn’t find her yet, that I had to wait. She told me to be good and brave, and that she wasn’t strong enough to stay long, but she loved me. She promised she’d see me again and she was gone.” Kriah looks at her feet and he catches a glimmer of emotion from her, something terribly sad and without thinking he lays a hand on her shoulder. Her head snaps up and her teary eyes break his heart.

“She never came to me.” She chokes out and then she’s sobbing and he is at a loss, so he pulls her into his chest. Her hands wrap around his waist, holding so tight it’s hard for him to take a breath. He shushes her and rocks them, strokes her back, and slowly her sobs die. He can feel where her tears have soaked through his shirt.

“Why didn’t she ever come to me?” She whispers into her chest.

“Once he has you he can see into your mind easily. It takes great effort to block him out and even then, it isn’t completely. You are once secret she wouldn’t risk, not even with me.” He tells her as he pulls her to arm’s length, keeping his hands on her shoulders and forcing her to meet his eyes. “She wanted a family desperately, she’d do anything to protect you, even if that meant staying away. She would never risk you falling to him.” He crushes her back to his chest. “She loves you.” He is sure of this.

Kriah holds onto him for a while longer and he is happy to let her. He smiles as he remembers how much Rey loved to be held. Years of never being touched by anyone left her starving for contact. He had craved it too, after so many years of living in the dark. She had always held him like he was important, like her life depended on it. He hadn’t realized how much he missed it.


	3. Who We Were

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally get some backstory.

“I think I’m ready to hear about her now. About how you guys… well you know.” She says as she pulls away and though he had been prepared to tell her all about it, he doesn’t quite know where to begin. He had never been much of a storyteller, but then he remembers how he and Rey shared memories whenever they shared nights.

“Would you trust me to enter your mind?” He asks and her brows scrunch together. “It might be easier for me to show you than to tell you.”

“Oh, the force.” She laughs and the confusion disappears. “Yes, I trust you.” He has given her no reason not to and she trusts the look in his eyes. She thinks his face is too revealing. There is very little he could hide with such an open face.

Ben lays his hand against her cheek and he starts at the beginning, the day he interrogated her. The day she bested him. He feels Kriah’s anger when he tosses Rey into a tree, her satisfaction when Rey slices his face. He flicks to the next memory. He had been tortured for his failure and Rey opened the bond to alleviate the pain. He shows Kriah the nights they talked across the galaxy until sleep came.

He skips ahead to their first in-person meeting after Starkiller. Her hair is different and her clothes nicer, she looks healthier. He is grateful that his uncle has taken care of her. He doesn’t voice any of this, after all they are in battle. He beats her back into the forest until the sounds of war are distant enough that he knows they won’t be caught, then he turns his saber off and tosses his helmet to the side. He compliments her improvements and she snarls at him.

“I don’t want to fight you.” He says.

“As long as this war is going on we will be fighting.” Her own saber disengages and she clips it to her belt.

“I don’t want to talk about the war.” He takes a few steps closer to her. “I don’t want to talk about any of the big bad things. I just want to know you better.” And she smiles at him. He urges her to tell him about anything good and he devours any knowledge he can get from her. He gives nothing, the conversation too pleasant to sully with his dark memories. They part an hour later. He will think of this conversation for months.

They discover the bond not too long after that, forged on Starkiller and nurtured by her inability to let him suffer and their unbearable loneliness. They had an understanding of each other that neither had ever dreamed of finding. They speak constantly over the bond after that, and for the first time in his life he feels peace. With that peace, a part of his mind is unlocked and lost memories begin to trickle out. He is training with his knights when he remembers his father loved him. The air leaves him and he is glad for his mask. He stiffly dismisses the knights and rushes to his private quarters. He remembers twenty years of a fool who didn’t know how to talk to his son, but who loved him so dearly.  
One memory sticks to him, it is one he had ruminated over for years. It is the memory that steadied him hand as he plunged a saber into his father’s chest. Before it was dark and painful, jagged. He never dreamed it wasn’t complete. He wonders how many other memories have been changed by his master.

Ben is ten years old and should have long been asleep, but the voice in his head is angry tonight and he wants his mother to hold him. He hears them speaking, he knows he shouldn’t eavesdrop. He does anyway.

“I don’t know what to do with him.” Han says. “He’s too much.”

“Han…”

“I wasn’t meant to have a kid like him. Hell, at least if he were normal I could talk to him.” Ben’s heart clenches and he cries, fat tears trickle down his cheeks. He knew he was odd, he knew his father didn’t like him. He misses his mother’s response, but he does hear Han speak next and his heart heals when his father says so softly, “I’m failing him, I’m not enough. I don’t think I’ll ever be enough. I’ll never know what to say.” And he remembers that earlier in the day when he turned the Falcon off with the force by accident and they’d plummeted back to the surface of Coruscant. He’d been so scared, but Han had quickly refired the engines and yelled at Ben. “I was cruel to him today. I don’t understand his power and it scared me and I yelled at him.”

“We all make mistakes, darling. He’ll forgive you, he loves you.” Leia’s voice is soft.

“I love him so much. I don’t want to let him down.”

“You can only do your best and whatever that is, it has to be enough.”

“And if it isn’t?”

“Then you’ll do more. You’ve always given everything for what’s right. I know you’ll give everything for him.”

He screams as he comes out of the memory. He has felt awful pain and yet this is the worst he’s ever known. He didn’t know. Before he only remembered the angry words Han spit at him earlier that day. He can almost pinpoint where Snoke changed what happened. He knows now he forgave his father, that he made his presence known and Han led him back to bed and read until Ben’s eyes were too heavy to stay open. He sobs and curls into himself.

“Oh Kylo.” He hears Rey say. “I’m here, it’s okay. You’ll be okay, I’m here.” And though she isn’t physically beside him he feels her. Her light and warmth envelope him and his sobs subside, the tears run but he doesn’t feel like he’s falling apart at the seams.  
“It was a lie. It was all a lie.” He chants over and over. His voice cracks and her phantom arms tighten around him. Then he admits what he’s never been able to say, he scarcely allowed himself to think it. “I killed him and he loved me, I killed him and I loved him.”

She is silent, but steady. After a while she hums a tune he doesn’t recognize and he calms. “I can’t give you forgiveness for this. It is not my place, but you don’t have to hurt alone.”

“I have done so much wrong, Rey. You were right, I am a monster.”

“You are who you choose to be, but you’re also what he made you.” She sighs. “You have to make better choices.”

“I know.”

“You could come home.”

“He’ll never let me go.”

“Choices, Kylo.”

“I’ve rarely had any. He’d sooner kill me than let me go back to Leia Organa.”

“We’ll find a way.”

“Why do you care so much?” He knows that the bond is partially the reason. He feels what she feels and vice versa. But this is deeper, she is showing him more kindness than anyone ever has, except for his mother.

“You’ve been kind to me and I’m in your head. I can see what’s in you. For all that dark you bury yourself under, your light still shines.” And when she says it, it’s not nearly as terrifying as when he thinks it. The light has always pulled at him, just as the dark did.

“I’ve seen your face a handful of times and yet you’re the very best friend I’ve ever had.” He sighs.

“Well, you do have very big hand.” She laughs and the sound makes his body feel lighter. “And we have been in each other’s head for over a year now.”

“A year?” He is surprised that so much time has gone by. “It feels like yesterday.”

“I never could’ve imagined what we’d be.”

“And what are?” He asks, because he desperately wants to have some stake in her.  
“Best friends.” He smiles and they remain silent, but he can feel her. He falls asleep with the feeling of a hand on his chest. He knows he loves her then.

Ben shows Kriah the next few nights of communication through the bond. Rey is the one who wants to meet face to face. He suggests Naboo and they agree to spend a week without the war to distract them. He is about to show he the day he taught Rey to swim when Kriah pulls away. He quickly releases his hold on her mind and suddenly they’re staring in each other’s eyes.

“It was too much.” Kriah says as she raises a hand to her temple. He remembers the throb in his head when Snoke had been trying to sway him to the dark side and stayed too long. Ben should’ve known better.

“I’m sorry sweetheart. We’ll try again later for less time.” He places his hand over hers against her head and uses the force to take the pain away. “There. All better.” He smiles and she returns it with a sweet grin that does something to his heart. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the tenderness he feels toward this girl.

“Thank you, Ben. For everything.” She tosses her arms around his neck.

“Anytime, there is very little you could ask of me that I wouldn’t give.” He pats her back gently and she releases him.

“So, what now?” She asks after a beat.

“Well I was planning on fish for dinner so if you wouldn’t mind catching a few with me…” He trails off and nods his head toward the lake.

“I’ve never caught a fish before.”

“It’s never too late to learn.”


	4. I Need a Teacher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some father daughter bonding

Kriah is surprisingly good at fishing, especially for her first time. It had taken years for Ben to master catching a fish without the aid of the force, but she has more patience then he’s ever had and her eyes catch movement quicker. She delights in the way the fishes splash out of the water and the slimy feel to their scales. They spend far longer than he intended playing catch and release. He finds that he enjoys her, this curious creature, who flips from serious to full out laughing and back again seamlessly. He has only known her for a day and yet he already loves her. It came as easy as breathing.

“Alright, we fish again tomorrow if you’d like, but we should head back.” He says and pulls the line holding two sizeable fish in. She huffs but pulls away from the shore and gathers their gear.

“I didn’t imagine that being so peaceful.” She confesses on their short walk back.

“It was my favorite thing to do when I was about your years. It worked better than meditation at quieting my mind. In fact, it might’ve been one of the only times I was completely alone with my thoughts.” He muses.

“What was it like?” She asks quietly, her voice unsure. “Having him in your head, that is.” 

He had answered this question only once before when Rey had asked, but she had already understood at least partially. She had been with him plenty of times after Snoke left him alone. Even though she knew it was still hard to talk about. He finds that he doesn’t want Kriah to know. He doesn’t want to sadden her and he knows what he is about to tell her is sad. He tries to minimize it as best he can.

“He was always there, as far back as I can remember, probably since I was born. He was my constant companion for thirty years. I didn’t know what it was like to be in control of my own mind until Rey let him take her.” He begins trying to think of how to describe afterwards. “I woke up after he took her and my thoughts weren’t so heavy or dark. It was like a pressure was removed. I never realized how clouded my head was and I knew he’d been conditioning me to be Kylo Ren forever. I never even had a chance to be Ben Solo until your mother saved me and I’m still trying to figure out who he is.”

She is quiet for a while and they make it back to the cottage. She uses his refresher while he fries fish and rice. They eat in comfortable silence. He can feel her mind swirling, but he doesn’t ask. So much has happened to her in one day, he knows she will speak when she is ready.

“If you’d like you can take my bed tonight.” He says as he cleans up their meal.

“I have a room on my ship.” She replies.

“Oh.” He mutters, he never even thought to ask how she’d arrived. Of course she’d be able to pilot well. It was in her blood. “What are your plans?” He asks wearily. He doesn’t want her to leave, the fierce protective side of him doesn’t want her out of his sight, but it is not his place to tell her what to do.

“Well, tonight I plan to sleep on all this new information. Tomorrow you’re going to start teaching me to use the force.”

“What?” He asks, eyes wide.

“I need a teacher.” She says with a shrug and turns to leave the cottage, but adds, “I like who Ben Solo is.” And then she’s gone. His heart swells.

___________________________________________

He wakes to the sensation of a head on his chest. He keeps his eyes closed and inhales her scent. “Rey.” He breaths and warmth surrounds him.

“Teach her, Ben. Teach her and come get me.”

“Where are you?”

“I don’t know, but you’ll find me. I’ve seen it.”

He is quiet for a few minutes, just enjoying the way she feels to him. “Why did you keep her from me?”

“Snoke sensed her out before she was born. I could feel him touching her mind as she developed. I blocked her force signature, but he suspected. If you knew, he would look for it. I wouldn’t risk her.” She confirms his suspicions. 

“She’s wonderful, Rey. So beautiful and good, just like her mother. She has your spirit.” He smiles, eyes still closed.

“Don’t think of her so hard. He likes to look in when I feel too much. We’ve probably said too much already.” She sighs and he knows from her tone that she’ll be leaving him soon.

“I’ll protect her, and I will train her. He’ll never get his hands on her.” He vows.

“She’s going to be stronger than either of us.” She whispers so softly he has to strain to hear her. It’s as if she believes Snoke won’t hear them if they just quietly enough. 

“And better than we’ve ever been. The light in her is blinding, so bright that its almost hard to believe she’s mine.” He whispers back.

“Oh Ben, don’t you know how much light you have? Even ultimate darkness couldn’t stifle it.”

“And you brought it out. Fanned the flames if you will.” He chuckles and her warmth grows. “I guess if you think of it that way it can only make sense. Anytime you touch me all I can feel is the light.”

“You don’t have to woo me, darling. I’m already yours.” She giggles, and oh, he has missed he laugh.

“I doubt I’ll stop trying to woo you even when I’m one with the force.”

“You think you’ll be able to?” She teases.

“Distance has never been a deterrent for my love.” He reminds her.

“And I love you all the more for it.” Then she is gone and he sets his heartache aside for later. She will be in arms soon enough. He has already waited ten years, he could easily wait a hundred more. When it comes to Rey, he knows only patience.

Of course this patience transcends to their daughter, who proves to be an anxious student. She wants to soak up every drop of knowledge can give to her. She wants to learn it all at once and he finds her own patience lacking.

“I was just like you when I was younger. I never cared about meditation; I was always too jittery. Needing to do something, anything other than sit still, but when I was your age I was foolish and scared. Don’t be like me, Kriah. Find your peace and live in it.” He tells her after a few minutes of her trying to center herself enough to find her connection to the force.

She sighs heavily, but closes her eyes and tries to find the balance he’d been harping about. He smiles because she can’t see it. He is sure nothing will ever tame her passion and he is glad for this. It takes her a few more minutes, but he feels when she finds it. 

“I’ve felt this before, but I’ve never been able to hold onto it.” She tells him. “It’s incredible, like I can feel every being in this system.”

“I’m sure you can.” He is proud of her, and yet it is more than pride, but he doesn’t know what else to call it. “What you’re feeling is the force. It’s the little spark in every living being in the galaxy. It connects us all and people like us can manipulate that living force. We must get you used to finding it inside yourself. One day you will able to use it without conscious thought, it is already a part of you, we just have identity it.” He explains. 

“Alright, I think I understand.” She opens her eyes and he can’t describe the elation her see in them. “You can really feel this all the time?”   
“Yes.” He says. “It has always been a part of me and I was lucky enough to have my Uncle there to teach me to use it when I was a boy. But we’ll get you there. One day you won’t even be able to imagine your life without it.”

“I think it’s been there for me to. This is the exact feeling I get when I know something is going to happen, or when I’m angry and the all the lights blow out.” She explains. “And I can heal little cuts. It’s the only think Grandma ever really taught me.”

He remembers all the cuts his mother healed before he was sent away. It was the only way he ever saw her use the force. Her sensitivity led her more in her decisions. She always knew what deals to make and who to trust. It would’ve been hard to teach a child to do that which was almost entirely instinct.

“She taught me that too. Though Uncle Luke was better at it, he could heal bigger things.”

“Uncle Luke. It’s so odd hearing you say that. I called him the same thing when I was little girl. I never saw him much before he died, but he always ruffled my hair and called me kiddo. He gave me a stuffed wampa doll and I named it after him.” She looks up at the sky and squints her eyes. “Sometimes it’s like I can feel him, like he’s right next to me, pushing me in a different direction than the one I’m going. Is that the force too?”

“Yes, force sensitives live on in the force. Someone as powerful as Luke Skywalker would be able to come back as a force ghost. It’s very possible that he’s helping you along your path.” Ben explains and he can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy. He wishes he could’ve been there to help her along her path.

“You’re here now.” Kriah says, answering his unspoken thoughts. He feels that pride feeling again, she’s already becoming attuned to the people surrounding her.

“Very good, sweet girl.” He praises. “Now, let’s focus. We’ve got plenty to do.”


End file.
